


Ashes

by cleverusernameloading



Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Guilt, alex deserves better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-27 00:19:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19779421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleverusernameloading/pseuds/cleverusernameloading
Summary: Alex is unintentionally reminded of an event from his past that he realizes Ben can never know about -- at least, not the details. written for SpyFest 2019 over at ffnet.





	Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> honestly, shout-out to SpyFest for being the reason I turn out at least _one_ fic a year. 
> 
> the prompt was "there's a secret everyone takes to the grave"

" _Scooter had finally noticed the other body lying in the control room._

_ 'Who was that?' he asked. _

_ Alex took one last look at his godfather. _

_ 'It was nobody,' he said." _

_ -Snakehead (Anthony Horowitz) _

* * *

Alex has made it a general policy in his life not to lie to Ben Daniels. 

About half the time, it seems that Ben  _ knows _ he's lying, somehow, and calls him on it immediately. The rest of time, Alex just feels guilty. Ben already has to deal with plenty -- Alex is a very traumatized, frequently injured kid who comes and goes with little consistency, and it doesn't take a genius to figure that that makes him an incredible burden -- and lying to him about how much (or not) he's eating or how well (or not) he's sleeping or which particular hellish experience from Alex's extensive collection is haunting him today just makes things harder on Ben. 

Ben doesn't deserve that, and thus the rule: Ben Daniels gets the truth. Always.

* * *

"Say, Alex," Ben says out of nowhere one day. "I'm sorry if this is too personal, I'm just curious -- did your parents not ask someone to be your godparent? I was just thinking that if there is someone, we could find them and maybe they could be someone to talk to, or..."

Ben keeps talking, but Alex, frozen, doesn't hear the rest, his mind suddenly running at a breakneck pace. He thinks-

-of Ash, on Major Yu's boat, bleeding out from wounds inflicted by Ben himself, and of the deep betrayal and loss and yearning and pain he's forced himself not to consider for so long. Sometimes he wishes that he had never found out the truth, although the idea of unknowingly treasuring the memory of the man who killed his parents is not an appealing one. Sometimes he wonders what happened to Ash's body, especially considering Alex's own dismissal of him as "nobody." Usually, though, if he thinks of Ash at all, he tries to imagine what life would have been like if nothing had gone wrong. He imagines growing up with two parents  _ and  _ a godfather  _ and  _ an uncle, and he can't help but feel a little sorrow. (Alex knows that Ash doesn't deserve to be missed, not really, not considering what he was responsible for, but that doesn't stop Alex from wishing he still had that one last connection to his parents.)

-of Ben, also on Major Yu's boat, also bleeding on the ground, and Alex's settling dread at the time that _ someone else was dying or dead because of him _ . He thinks of everything else Ben has put up with since, and of the quiet comfort he feels around the older man. It's similar to what he felt around Ash, originally, although it does have the distinct advantage of never being sullied by the blood of his parents. The blood of his betraying godfather hardly has the same effect. (Alex thinks about how Ben was already looking after him then, although they barely knew each other. Maybe he had already done more than Ash ever had.)

-of his own tree of personal connections, friends and family and even just acquaintances pruned and snipped and sheared and burned away until literally not even the Ash remained. Of himself, standing lonely and isolated with only his memories and fear and pain and guilt to keep him company, until a flimsy branch with Ben on the other end grounded him again. (Alex fears for that branch, knows based on his own history that it's only a matter of time before some disaster strikes and steals what little stability he has left. The fear of once again floating untethered haunts Alex. He needs Ben to stay safe and happy and _ here _ . He needs Ben.)

-and of the look on Ben's face any time he finds out about something -- nearly anything -- from Alex's past, the look of sorrow and pity and regret and deep, slow-simmering anger. Alex doesn't want to know how much pain would join that look if Ben discovered that he was the cause of one of Alex's losses, the destruction of his last real link to his parents. Ben's Alex-related burdens are far too extensive as it is. Adding to it guilt for something that Alex barely considers Ben's fault would be unnecessary and almost cruel. Alex can't bear to dwell on it for long.

And at that moment, Alex decides that Ash -- his identity, his betrayal, the cause of his death, his very _ existence _ \-- is a secret he will take to his grave.

"Nope," he responds casually, barely taking his attention off the game he's playing on his phone. "I've never had a godparent."

"Oh. Alright," Ben says with a small shrug, returning to his book. "Just a thought."

Alex doesn't think Ben caught the lie.

He hopes not.

(Ben Daniels gets the truth. 

Almost always.)


End file.
